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Morphine and
Mexicans!
(Hey, it was starting to get all boring and carbon-copy-like! I need to condense!)
Disclaimer: I own a bunch of shit, none
of which are any characters that have been created by Lizzie Thompson, Satoshi
Tajiri, or Joss Whedon. Lizzie, Endril, and Amber appear with the express
permission of themselves. As for that mystery man…..well, I'm pretty sure he'll
never read this, so I think I'm safe in using an actual real life person in my
story that I don't personally know without their permission. And if he does
happen to read this…well, I'd probably kill myself out of shame, but…. I'm
sorry, O great one! This is rated PG:13 for silliness, lust, sadness, language,
shoe throwing, references to Star Wars, cheese, madness, and other goo. Just
remember: this is all just the brain-poop of a scary, obsessive teenage girl.
And one more thing to add:
I DEMAND FEEDBACK!!! I don't care
if you want to flame me into oblivion, complete with bible quotes and bad
grammar! Just send me some email!!! I'm lonely!
On with the show, monkeys.
*********************************
Everyone
was extremely bored. It wasn't as if they had nothing to do; no, far from it.
DSL was actually working for once, and all were amazed at the speed and power.
Lizzie and August almost started a nuclear war in an argument over who got
which plushies, but all was settled peacefully. Unlike normal "chibi dolls", as
August called them, the plushies were alive and had basic comprehension of
their surroundings. This greatly disturbed the guys, as all three of them had a
plushie form.
"I'll…I'll
trade you Qui-Gon for the Spike plushie!" Endril wailed desperately. August
scoffed.
"No
way I'm givin him up, honey. Besides, these things are great as voodoo dolls."
She proceeded to lightly prick the said plushie with a pin in the back of its
neck. Nearby, Spike howled in pain.
"Oh,
Bloody Hell!!"
"You
see that, Endril? He needs a hug." Endril immediately ran to Spike and began
comforting him. "You owe me!" August called after her.
Just
then, the twerps called up on the videophone.
"Hi,
losers!" August called merrily.
"Enough
chit chat." Misty said gruffly. "You need to get rid of one of the prisoners."
"But
why? We have team solidarity! You never even said, 'The tribe has spoken'!!!"
"It
seems we've found an evil greater than you, and we're going to rid the world of
it and send it up there."
"What?
No! Not my title! I was the supreme evil!!" August wailed in mock sadness.
"Well
too bad!" Ash cut in. "Besides, it's a hideous abomination of humanity!!"
Not bothering to wonder where Ash
learned such big words, August began to object.
"Hold
up, moron boy! We don't want this thing! This aint no carnival!!"
"Too
bad! We're already sending him up to you. Now get rid of one of the existing
people on board!"
"Him?"
At this, August got confused. She'd expected a slaughtering rat-person or
something. She quickly gathered the crew and explained everything. Soon, they'd
decided to send Spike back to earth to (hopefully) kill the twerps. As they
said their goodbyes to the blonde vampire, a high-pitched, hysterical laugh
sounded from the airlock. A moment later, a familiar, giddy black girl walked
around the corner and waved.
"AMBER?!"
Endril, Lizzie, and August said in unison.
"Hey,
I thought the twerps were sending us an abomination…" August said suspiciously.
"Yeah,
a guy abomination…" Lizzie responded.
"There's
only one thing in the world that can cause Amber to laugh like that." August
glanced at Amber, who had fallen over in a fit of giggles and was now frothing
at the mouth. Tengu was poking her with a stick.
Lizzie
and August shot ::looks:: at each other, and slowly turned towards the airlock
hallway. Everything was still and silent. Time seemed to stretch out to
infinity.
"WAI!!!"
Lizzie yelled, breaking the silence as she leapt forward. August shoved her
aside.
"OUTTA
MY WAY!!!" she snarled. This continued for a long time as the two girls fought
their way down the hallway. August, being smaller and faster (and being endowed
with super author powers) reached the airlock first, stopping sharply in the
doorway. Lizzie, however, plowed into her with full force, sending August
flying onto the body sprawled on the floor.
"Dammit,
August, get up! You probably broke his ribs!" August sat up, but she didn't
look the least bit remorseful. Or mad at Lizzie, for that matter. She was madly
hugging the limp, corpse-like form of a young man with abnormally red hair.
"Hehe…prettyyy…."
August was starry-eyed, about ready to slip into a coma. She was playing with
his glasses. Lizzie was aghast.
"Sweet
Christ, you killed him!!"
"Nuh-uh."
August was quickly losing the ability to speak coherently. "Pretty god-things
don't die, Lizzie. He's just sleeeeeping." She patted his head. "Sleeping. Shh.
Pretty."
"August,
snap out of it!" Lizzie cried. "You're gonna get all floaty-like, with smiley
faces and hearts!"
"So?"
"So,
when he wakes up, who's he gonna run in terror from: You being all
fuzzy-happy-cutesy-fluff-sugar-anime, or my badass self?"
"You're
right." August said shortly, quickly slipping out of obsessive fangirl mode.
She flashed an evil grin. "Thanks for the advice, Liz."
"Hey!
Why'd I say that?! I did not want to say that!!" Lizzie shook her fist at the
heavens. "Damn you!!"
At
this, a rumble of ominous thunder could be heard in the distance. The rest of
the crew appeared in the doorway.
"Wait
a minute." Gary remarked. "How can there be thunder in space anywa-AUGUST!!"
"Wha?"
she looked up. She still happened to be cuddling the unconscious arrival, in a
scene that looked rather bad out of context. Lizzie laughed. Amber was still
giggling.
"Get
off him!! What are you doing?!!"
"Umm,
CPR?"
"Hey,
Amber?" Lizzie asked, quickly diffusing the situation. "Why is he unconscious?"
"Well,
see," Amber said, between giggles. "When the twerps abducted him, the J-man
almost gutted Pikachu, so they had to tranquilize him."
"Now
that is funny." August replied. She seemed to have finally come to her
senses. "Well, I guess we'd better go read the fic now." She and Lizzie picked
up the new guy (he was painfully skinny, after all) and nonchalantly
carried him into the theater, followed by Amber and Endril.
"I
think I just got dumped." Gary said quietly. He was in shock.
"That's
harsh, man." Tengu muttered sympathetically.
"Me,
the great Gary Oak, dumped for a skinny Latino abomination with unnatural hair
color and a trenchcoat."
"He
looks…weird." Tengu added. A Force-assisted steel-toed boot abruptly hit him in
the head.
~**~
(August had placed the still-unconscious guy in the seat next to her. Lizzie was on his other side, an arm wrapped about his shoulder. Endril and Amber didn't appear to be very happy about this. They pouted.)
Lizzie: August, what if he wakes up while we're reading the story?
August: Well, I guess you'll have to die of shame. I'll miss you dearly.
Lizzie: Fuck off. Let's just read this.
The moon continued to shine on
the five, watching... waiting.
Endril: AHHH!!! One-sentence paragraph!!
August: The curse continues! ..Sorry Liz.
Lizzie: S'aight. It sucks, I know.
· °° · °° · °° ·
Amber:
that's even sicker than…something sick.
Lizzie:
Shut up, already! I know!!
Brock
gave one last toss and woke in a start, breathing hard, brow glistening with
sweat.
All but sleeping mystery
man: O_o**
Lizzie: Man, I was one
sick, twisted kid.
He sat, trying to catch
his breath.
Endril: get back here,
you damn breath!!
Looking up at the sky,
he saw the moon had grown even larger than it had been hours ago.
Lizzie: It's going to
kill us all! We're all doomed, unless Link can save us!! How much time is left?
Dear god, I don't want to go like this!! (collapses into a shivering pile of
madness.)
Amber: You're confusing
reality with video games again, aren't you?
Lizzie: Yeah, basically.
"What's going
on?" he murmured more to himself than to anyone.
August: Damned if I know.
Endril: (Brock) Hey, I'm
talking to myself! Fun!
He
wiped his forehead dry with a shaking hand, trying hard to catch his breath.
Amber: Those amulets
really wear you out.
Endril: I did not need to
hear that.
August: You know, maybe
we should put a limit on the amount of amulet-screwing jokes…
(pause)
All the girls: NAH.
'Yoo-hoo....
Brock...'
Endril: another
disembodied voice…right?
Lizzie: yeah.
The boy froze.
August: (Brock) Damn!
Those prostitutes just wouldn't leave him alone! Calling at all hours of the night…(grumble
grumble)
He heard nothing but the faint
sound of crickets chirping.
Amber: cue freakishly
overused cartoon cricket chirping noise.
A
slight breeze stirred through the trees.
August: what the hell is
this, Pocahontas?! Get on with the action!!!
Lizzie: you alright?
August: I dunno. I just
wish he'd wake up. (jerks thumb at sleeping guy) That man is one fine piece of
ass, yo.
Endril: SLEEPING BOOTY!!!
August, Endril, and
Lizzie: (madly snickering)
Amber: jeez, just keep
reading, okay? You guys are creepy.
'Brock!'
"Y-yes?"
Endril: no matter how
hard he tried to fight it, the speech impediment from his youth never quite
left him.
There
was a quiet pause. Brock held his breath.
August: and forgot to let
it out and breathe again, causing him to suffocate, the rest of the twerps were
killed by a passing meteor, Jessie and James quit being criminals and became
strippers, Meowth was hit by a truck (shut up, Nate!!) story over, we all left
this prison of a theater, the end! THE END!!
WHY WON'T IT END?!! I need me some hot Mexican lovin!!!
Endril: (backing away
slowly) August, calm down! You're losing your mind! You're starting to sound
like Spike, even!
August: But why won't he
just wake up? (turns to sleeping guy) Wake up! WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!!!! (breaks
down sobbing, leaning on the sleeping guy's shoulder)
Lizzie: I'm worried about
her. But he really should have regained consciousness be now. I mean, how much
tranquilizer did they use?
Amber: That kid is really
protective of his Pikachu.
'What's
the matter, Brock-o?'
Lizzie: doesn't Ash call
him Brock-o?
Endril: yeah. Wonder
what's goin on there…
It
was so absurd, he almost laughed. 'Maybe I'm going crazy,' he thought, amused.
August: I feel your pain,
brother.
'No more crazy than the rest of
us,' the voice responded, tinted with humor.
Amber: The voice! The
voice!! Eeeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!(this continues for a good long while)
All: (stunned silence)
Sleeping guy: AHHH!!
Noo!! Put the spatula down, Tenna!!!!
August: Holy shit, he's
alive!
As-yet-unidentifed-even-though-anyone-familiar-with-August's-obsessions-should-know-by-now-guy:
Wha? Where the hell am I? (looks at August) Who are you? Why are you sitting on
me?
Amber: It speaks!!!! Tell
us more of thine wonders, o Lord!!!!
Endril: um….(blushes)
hi…sorry my friends are so stupid…
Okay!-three-guesses-as-to-who-this-bishonen-is-guy:
Are you hitting on me?
August: (has now leeched
onto the guy's head) don't listen to her!!
Pretty god-thing: Me brains!!
You're after me brains!!!!
August: I am not! And may
I be hung above a cesspool of angry dolphins by a crowd of disgruntled hamsters
and little old cat ladies should I ever consider stealing the brain of
such a literary genius! You are good people!! (pulls a bowl out of thin air)
here, have some Spaghettios!
Literary genius: ooo,
skettios! Thank you!
Lizzie: (she's pissed)
Dammit, August!! Stop being the heroine!! We all like him just as mush as you
do!! It not FAIR!!
Endril: you say that so
often. I wonder what you basis for comparison is.
August: (gives Endril a
high-five) aw, you my dawg, Endril.
Lizzie: why? Why do you
torment me?!!! Damn your author powers!!
August: chill out, g. you
can have him next chapter. Besides, isn't Tengu your love slave, anyway?
Lizzie: Well, yeah…but
he's mine next time!! (she runs out of the theater) Tengu!! Get your ass over
here! I needs me some lovin!!
Endril: oh my god! We've
neglected the fanfic!!!
"Ah-ha.
A disembodied voice is talking to me." The boy took a deep, steadying
breath, closed his eyes, and tried to keep from fainting.
Amber: hehe. Funny.
'Brock,
quit it, now is not the time!'
August: (voice) stop
humping the tree!!
Now the voice was
serious and urgent. 'I know you tend to stick with the hard, cold facts, that
you aren't the superstitious type, that this kind of stuff is beyond you, but
you have to believe what I'm telling you. Please.'
Endril: (voice) I really
am the princess Anastasia! Seriously!!
August: hehe…Rasputin is
cool.
Amber: he just don't
die!!!
Brock
swallowed hard. Maybe it was all a dream, he reasoned, and besides, the voice
seemed somewhat comforting.
Endril: so did Hitler!!
J-man: ah, schizophrenia.
So much fun. (pauses) this is a Mystery Science theater setup, isn't it?
August: Attaboy, Jhonen!
(to Endril) see, he's a genius!!
'History is being made, Brock.
You have to understand how important this is.'
August: (Brock) but I
wanted to go the toshi station to pick up some power converters!!
Amber: (voice) quiet boy!
I'll beat you like a diseased hamster!
"I'll
listen."
Endril: das right, boy!
The voice made a little
satisfied sound. 'There's not much to say. Follow your instincts.'
Jhonen: what kind of
advice was that?
August: crappy advice.
"What?"
'I can talk later. But you need
to find me first.'
"Find you?"
Amber: is Brock deaf?
Jhonen: Who's Brock?
'It's
not that tricky a situation, Brock-o.
All: *snickering*
Use your noodle.
Endril: Lizzie's been watching
P B and J otter, hasn't she?
August: I remember that
show..
Put on your thinking
cap. Kick your brain into gear. You getting me here?'
Jhonen: yeah, I'm getting
the fact that you've had your brain removed!
August: holy Handy-Dandy
Notebook! I'm gonna be ill!
"Noodle?"
Brock repeated pitifully.
Jhonen: hehe…noodle boy..
The voice heaved an incredibly
weary sigh. 'Brock, you're a handful. I've gotta say, sometimes I pity myself.'
Amber: that's just one
more step down the long road to suicide, disembodied voice.
Brock blinked.
Endril: but he has no
EYES!!
"Wha-wha?"
August: huh?
'Criminy.' The voice paused.
'Criminy.
Endril: now who do we
know that says criminy? Hmm…
I can't explain now,
Brock, I can't until you correct the mistake that shouldn't have been made.
Jhonen: (voice) you have
to go back in time and stop the war!!
Endril: WHAT war?!
Jhonen: the one with the
gummi bears, obviously.
I should have thought
she'd be more careful about that...'
August: Ah, so the voice
works for Planned Parenthood now?
The voice trailed off.
Endril: causing the wagon
to lose three days of time. In the meantime, they ate poisoned berries, one of
the oxen died, and William got a bad snakebite! WOO!!! Let's shoot some
buffalo!
August: Endril, you know
as well as I do that if you continue to hunt in this area, game will become
scarce. And whose idea was it to only be able to get 200 pounds of meat in the
first place? I mean, can't you just move the wagon to where the kill is?
Brock shook his head.
"Who'd be more careful?"
Amber: I'm guessing that
old lady.
Jhonen: she really
shouldn't have been playing with scissors at her age…It's a shame, really.
'I keep getting off subject.
Look, Brock, I'm not allowed to say anymore.
August: (voice) the
kidnappers will kill me if I tell you where I am ! bring help! Please!!
I've been bending the
rules as it is.'
"Don't go," Brock
blurted without thinking.
Amber: (Brock) I love
you, voice!
There was a brief silence. Then
the voice said warmly,
August: (voice) I don't
swing that way.
Jhonen: (voice) I'm gonna
go kill your family!
Endril: O_o*
'Aw, not to worry. I'll
still be here. You've just got to look for me.'
August: this is one
trippy scavenger hunt.
"Look
for you?"
Amber: so, he's blind and
deaf?
Silence.
Amber: Thank GOD.
August: Goddess.
Endril: Jhonen.
Jhonen: What?
Endril: ….Nothing….
The boy took a shuddering
breath.
August: Ah, that
tuberculosis. It gets ya every time.
Something was going on.
Amber: really? I hadn't
noticed!
Something terrifying.
Something incredible.
All: Wow!
Something
magical.
All except Jhonen:
…Magical Mr. Mistoffeles…..
Jhonen: okay, um,
yeah….I'll be going now…
The
blood in his veins seemed to burn.
All: ouch.
August: Maybe it was
Bromine.
Looking up at the moon,
Endril: no, not again!
hanging silver and
heavy in the velvet sky,
August: Ah, crazy
poetry-speech. For people with no lives.
a shiver went up and
down his spine. He clenched his hands into fists to stop them from shaking.
Amber: So, he's blind,
deaf, a pervert, and has epilepsy? Man, that dude has problems.
August: he's like the
token injured guy on the men's Gymnastics team!
Endril: yea! Go John!!
Burying
his head in his pillow, he was suddenly aware of a coldness emanating from
somewhere near.
Jhonen: then he realized
it was his brain dying form lack of
oxygen, and he went back to suffocating himself.
He groped around and
felt purchase:
August: Lizzie is Dirty!!!!
My eyes!!!!
a chilled piece of
polished stone.
August: ::relieved gasp::
At his touch, the amulet blazed
a blindingly bright blue, and at the same time, sent a freezing jolt through
the boy's body.
Endril: methinks it goes
downhill from here.
Amber: lemme guess….he
finds the right amulet? Like Misty did?
August: yep. ::shakes her
head sadly::
Brock
gasped and dropped the stone.
August: causing it to
crack on the pavement since they're sleeping in the middle of the road!!
Endril: oh, god. Not this
again..
Jhonen: wait, they're
sleeping in the road? They're gonna get hit by a truck!
Endril: why me?!
Gulping for breath, he
lay there for what felt like a lifetime.
Jhonen: woohoo! Death!
August: was I ever this
crazy?
Endril: I'm thinking no.
"What's going
on?" he gasped to no one in particular, though perhaps somewhere deep
inside of him, he was hoping the voice would pipe up with an answer.
Amber: aww, he has no
friends!
He could hear nothing. The
silence pressed down on him like an iron weight.
All: ouch.
Amber: that is one
painful simile.
Endril: you call that
painful? I remember when we had to re-write the Illiad in the modern day…
August: My epic simile
went on for like, 3 pages…::Smiles in remembrance::
He
had dropped the stone on his pillow.
Amber: Moron.
He watched it warily,
but its glow was slowly fading away, and, holding his hand directly over it, he
could only feel a slight nip of cool air.
Endril: ::in a James
imitation:: cooool!!
A sudden movement to his left
made him whirl around.
August: in the middle of
the road!!
Ash was shivering uncontrollably in his
sleep, arms wrapped around his skinny frame, and teeth gritted.
::The girls get
teary-eyed::
August: ::sniff:: a
classic pity scene!! Excellent!
Endril: why couldn't she
write this about James?
August: or Jamie!!
Jhonen: are they okay??
Amber: I dunno. They're
crazy.
Brock's
eyes softened. Ash was his best friend; and Brock had been such a jerk that afternoon.
'And if Ash is going through what I'm going through right now.' The thought
made them that much closer. Brock reached over to awaken his friend, to free
him from whatever dreams he was experiencing, to tell him they could face it
together.
August and Endril:
woohoo! Slash!!
A brilliant flash of green
burst from the dull green stone that sat on the child's pillow.
August: I'm half
expecting Harry Potter to fly into this story, what with the way it's been
running. I want me some avatars!!
Brock
stared in wonder.
Endril: the Holy
Grail!!!!
He
hadn't winced, he hadn't cringed. The green hadn't scared or shocked him the
way the blue amulet had. The green seemed almost in a way friendly. caring.
Welcoming.
August: whoop-de-shit.
He didn't know what made him do
it, but it felt right, like a long-forgotten instinct suddenly answered.
Amber: the call of the
wild!!
Brock's hand inched forward, toward the green
stone, which continued to shine merrily.
Endril: (stone) do-de-do…
::whistles a happy song::
Fingers trembling
oh-so-slightly, he closed his hand around the amulet.
August: which burned into
his flesh!!!! Yeha!! Raiders kicks all ass!!
The stone almost exploded in a
blast of beautiful green light.
All: Shrapnel!! :::they
duck in fear::
Brock clasped the amulet to his
chest, a sense of calmness descending gently on his harried nerves.
August: he had reached
Nirvana.
His mind seemed to fill
with the brilliance of the light.
Amber: ::really fake
southern accent:: I see the light!!
Endril: ::places a hand
on August's forehead:: May the Devil leave this child!!
'I
knew you could do it, Brock.' The voice was back, and it was louder, stronger,
warmer.
August: Halleleujah!
It seemed to vibrate
through his body. He closed his eyes in happiness.
All: O_o*
'But you've still more to do,
Brock.'
August: (brock, whiny)
but I wanted to go to the….(end Brock voice) aw, crap. I already used that
joke!
The boy frowned slightly, then
suddenly realized his friend was still shaking with cold and fear.
Endril: Like a sad lost
puppy.
August: with three legs.
Amber: eehee! Gangrene!
Once again, the answer
came to Brock as if he had known it all his life. Scooping up the blue amulet,
trusting the green that flowed through his body to nullify the cold,
August: ah, Chlorophyll.
he placed it gently
next to Ash's pillow. The young boy relaxed almost immediately.
Heaving a contented sigh, Brock
lay back down, clasping his hands behind his head. Staring up at the stars and
the huge, silver moon, he smiled. Happiness seemed to surge through him.
Jhonen: Happiness! Now with Ecstasy!
'Your life will never be the
same again, Brock,' the voice said quietly, out of the blue. 'You understand that,
don't you?'
The boy closed his eyes and
breathed evenly. Then, holding the glowing amulet close to his heart, he turned
his face once again to the incredible night sky. "Understand it?" he
grinned happily. "I'm depending on it."
Endril: aww.. he has no
life!
'Go to sleep now, Brock,' the
voice ordered gently, though it failed to contain its joyousness. 'There will
be time in the morning.'
Jhonen: time to be hit by
a truck!! Fear my brain, monkey children!!
Brock suddenly felt so tired,
it was almost numbening.
August: That's not a word!
"In the... morning..." he repeated
sluggishly, his voice thick with
Amber: slugs?
Endril: metal or the
creepy, slimy kind?
August: I dunno.
exhaustion.
The amulet flashed a reassuring
green. 'Good night, Brock.'
Brock managed one last smile
before he drifted into a calm, quiet, soft green dream.
August: I dreamed a dream
in time gone by….when hope was high and life worth living… I dreamed that love
would-
Endril: shut up!!
August: you just can't
appreciate good talent.
Amber: But wait, there's more!
August: Hi, I'm Anthony (pronounced
Ann-Tony) Sullivan, here with another amazing household appliance!
Endril: Taplight! Just tap ::taps
August in the head:: , and you've got light!
Ash felt like he was submerged under thousands of feet of clear,
blue, cool water.
Jhonen: drowning! Fun!
::Lizzie barges back into the theater::
Lizzie: he is mine now!
August: ::being evil and snide:: what, wasn't Tengu enough for you?
Lizzie: he beat me playing Pokémon stadium.
August: that's all?!
Amber: one or two?
Lizzie: One.
Endril: well, see, there you go. We really need to update the
technology.
He didn't need air, he just floated lazily in the endless
expanse. It was a feeling of pure and unhindered tranquillity.
Jhonen: I..relax..too…much….::Goes into a trance::
August: what did you do to him?!
But
something stirred him from that incredible sensation. He opened his eyes
groggily, blinking to clear away the blurriness.
Jhonen: ::waking up:: what the hell was that?
The moon hung directly
overhead, so massive it seemed ready to drop out of the starry sky.
All: EEK!!! ::run in
terror::
Ash's attention was immediately
drawn to a faint light by his left hand. Squinting his eyes,
Endril: that boy is so going to need glasses.
he managed to make out
the blue amulet Misty had received earlier that day. It was giving off the
weakest gleam of blue light.
It didn't occur to Ash to
wonder how Misty's amulet had gotten to his pillow.
Lizzie: these things happened all the time.
He just stared at the stone for a moment. Then, at some prompting
he could feel from somewhere deep inside of him, he placed a tentative hand
over the amulet.
August: ahh, feel the buzz…. ::noticing the strange looks:: wicca
humor.
A ripple of cool and calm shot
up his arm and spread throughout his entire body.
Endril: Heroin amulet!!
Ash gazed in awe at the amulet,
now afire with intense blue light.
August: Why am I thinking there should be that whole dramatic choir
music at this point? Y'know? Like in Raiders, before the demons pop out of the ark?
Lizzie: would you stop obsessing over that damn movie?!
'Ash
Ketchum.'
The boy didn't even blink.
Amber: He don't know his own name!! Ha!!
'Ash
Ketchum, you have quite a road ahead of you now.'
Jhonen: the road…. to DOOM!!!!
Ash nodded slightly in
understanding, as if in a trance.
Endril: see, even he knows he's a loser!
'Will you give up your
dream?'
"WHAT?!" the boy
shouted suddenly, the mood broken. "No! I'm going to be a Pokémon Master,
no matter what!"
August: Dear lord, he's fallen victim to the subliminal messages
too!!
The voice was nonplused. 'But
why? Why? To be the best?'
Lizzie: (Ash) Must…beat…Gary…cannot…falter…gotta catch em
all….*Explodes*
Ash
shook his head slowly.
'To be famous?'
August: (Ash) Whoo, yeah! I wanna be a movie star!
"No..." the boy
murmured.
'Why then? Because you
respect Pokémon? Because you fear them?
Jhonen: what's there to fear, aside from hideous evil marketing?
Amber: *shakes head sadly* that mouse can kill you faster than you
can say "Japanese invasion". Faster than Disney's lawyers, even!
Because you love them,
and want to devote your life to them?'
Endril: next, on Jerry Springer: Bestiality in the world of
Pokémon!
"Yes..."
'Then Ash, I have something
to offer you that will far surpass your dream.'
August: Eternal life! Eheeeehee!!
Ash opened his eyes wide.
"Tell me."
Jhonen: well, my, that was a dramatic end for that sequence. The
cheese! the cheese!!
Lizzie: *hangs head in shame* It's unfit for your eyes…do not look
at my horrors…*sob*
· °° · °° · °° ·
Endril: I'm not
even gonna comment about this anymore. It's just sad at this point.
It was almost
morning.
Jhonen: when will this night of Hell end?? Oh, the Humanity!!
The moon moved sluggishly
towards the horizon, almost as if it was reluctant to leave the sky. Already
the surrounding mountains were painted with a golden glow,
August: Cue sappy 'Morning' song. You know, the one that woke you
up that other day…
Endril: I hate that song.
as if the sun was protesting its confinement. But the moon hung
on determinedly. Almost as if it was... waiting for something. Almost as
if it was expecting something.
All but Lizzie: Bum bum BUM!!
Lizzie: why must this suck so much? WHYY??
· °° · °° · °° ·
Ash,
Misty, and Brock were all awakened from wonderful dreams
August: when the Dead
Moon Circus came and ripped mirrors from their chests!!
All: O_o*
August: …I spend too much
time online.
by a frantic whimpering
sound.
Ash lifted his head and blinked
blurrily, feeling a little different and racking his brains for a reason why.
Endril: but then he
remembered that college party they'd crashed last night. Man, that was some fun
shit.
August: only thing was,
he had a feeling he'd slept with someone, but he couldn't remember who…
As his eyes cleared, he
could make out a yellow blur sitting by his sleeping bag, tugging at its
neck...
August: okay, that worked
too well with our mock storyline. I need to vomit.
"Pikachu?"
The Pokémon looked at its
master, smiled weakly, then returned to worrying at the amulet around its neck.
Endril: worrying? As in a
dog, worrying a bone? Since when are you British, Lizzie?
Lizzie: *sobbing
miserably* I hate my life!! Don't look at the story!! Don't look at it!!
Noooo!! My eyes!! *curls into a ball*
Jhonen: um…..you okay….?
*awkwardly pats her back* um…feel better…
Lizzie: *starry-eyed* THANK
YOU!!!
Misty
rubbed her eyes groggily and peered at the little mouse in the early, early
dawn light. "What's the matter, Pikachu?"
Amber: It's trying to
kill itself, since it sucks so much?
Ash leaned in close to his
Pokémon, the night's occurrences forgotten in his concern for his friend.
"It's the amulet..." he breathed.
August: oh, it's always
the stupid amulet!! He'll break a vase, and be all, "the amulet made me do
it!!" why can't people be accountable for their actions?!
Pikachu uttered a miserable,
'Piiiii...', and tugged at the chain futiley.
Endril: Typo Demon!!
August: *gets out
lightsaber and hacks it to bits* fun!
Brock's hand went automatically
to the green amulet that rested on his pillow. "What's the matter with
it?" he asked, feeling a reassuring surge of green flow through his body.
August: Absinthe! Fun
with hallucinogens! Go see Moulin Rouge! NOW!!!
Endril: it's not in
theaters yet, moron.
Ash took a hold of the light
purple stone and tugged it gently. Then he pulled harder. Then he pulled as
hard as he could, as Pikachu strained against it at the other end.
"It... it won't come
off," he gasped.
"Kachu!" Pikachu
cried urgently.
Amber: *spooky voice*
maybe the amulet has a mind of it's own, and is out for blood?
"Ash, Pikachu, don't
worry. It's all right," Misty cooed soothingly, surprising even herself
with her sudden benevolence.
August: If that aint out
of character, I don't know what is.
"Here, let me. You
just have to undo the clasp."
Endril: (Misty) I am
all-knowing! Fear me!
August: *points randomly*
You! Obey the Fist!!
Jhonen: Exactly how
obsessed are you?
She crawled over to her
friend's sleeping bag and began to work gently at the hook of the chain.
"That's odd," she
muttered after a moment's patient work, fingers fumbling on the clasp. "It
must be stuck or something." She scrabbled at it
All but Lizzie, who's
still weeping: Woohoo! Scrabble!
a little more
irritably.
Pikachu scrabbled at the chain
itself. It was no use; the amulet stayed firmly attached around the Pokémon's
neck.
August: damn. I feel so
much remorse.
"Don't worry,
Pikachu," Ash said encouragingly, though his face couldn't hide the
anxiety he felt. "It's not hurting you, is it? Tell you what, we'll go try
to find that woman today. She'll know what to do."
Endril: assuming she
didn't disappear forever…
"A fine plan. Of course,
it's all hinged on your getting to that woman alive, now isn't it? And lately,
I've been considering the possibility of that happening..."
Jhonen: who the hell is
that? They're cool!
*August starts playing
the TR theme on a mysterious tape player*
Pikachu
let out a startled yelp, and Ash scrambled out of his sleeping bag. "Team
Rocket! I should have known! Go bug somebody else today."
"I, for one, don't feel
quite up to beating you today," Misty said in a very non-Misty serene sort
of way.
All: VERY non-Misty.
Lizzie: I hate myself.
Jhonen: Aw, come on.
Cheer up! It has to get better at some point…
"Yeah,
we don't have time to waste on you guys today," Brock added cheerfully.
"Maybe later."
Amber: Jeez, this is just
starting to completely go off on a tangent from the show, isn't it?
August: It must be a sign
that the fic is slowly getting better!
It
was still dusk,
Endril: wait, didn't she
just say that it was almost morning?
Lizzie: I meant dawn, you
moron! It's the same thing!!
August: actually, it
isn't…
and the three Rockets
had been hiding in the shadows. Suddenly, there was a faint rustle, and a
figure slinked into view. It was Jessie, but she looked almost alien.
All: yeah! Go aliens!!
She moved with a fluid
grace that suggested something sinister, and, Ash thought with growing dismay,
almost feline.
Endril: why is he
dismayed?
She looked travel-worn;
her clothes were torn and dirty, and her hair hung in twisting strands that
whirled about her face whenever she moved her head.
August: that's some
kickass imagery, man.
Lizzie: *sniffles* thank
you.
Her face was
expressionless, all except for her eyes; they burned with a fire more intense
than any the three friends had ever seen.
Amber: MOEROOOO!!!
August: Aw, yeah.
Escaflowne is the shit!
Ash,
Brock, Misty, and Pikachu all, one by one, locked their eyes on the violently
glowing ivory amulet hanging from the girl's neck.
She smiled then, showing a
hinting of gleaming fangs. "Prepare for trouble," she murmured.
All: gyahh!! Creepy!
Jhonen: that was just
disturbing.
Lizzie: the story is
getting better! Yay!
Misty stepped forward, the red
stone she wore around her neck flaring in response. "Just what do you
want, Jessie?" she asked, feeling an unfamiliar courage back her up.
Jhonen: I smell a bitch
fight!
"What I've always wanted,
girl," the female Rocket answered, blinking solemnly. "That
thing." She pointed a gloved finger at the trembling Pikachu, her upper
lip curled in disgust. "I've worked too long to abandon that cause."
August: Fight the power,
Jessie! Don't let the white man keep you down!
Ash gathered up Pikachu in his
arms protectively. "Oh, yeah? You just try it!" He did a double-take.
"Hey, where's your flunky?
Endril: how does Ash even
know that word?
Amber: I think it can be
assumed that this is separate from the cartoon reality at this point. In a good
way.
He skip out on your
so-called cause?"
August: (Jessie) He just
wasn't down with what we was preachin, man. That dude is bad news.
Lizzie: you do
realize the civil rights movement is
over, right?
Jessie
raised an eyebrow. "Who?"
August: (Oracle) not too
bright, though.
Misty rolled her eyes.
"You know! James? The purple-haired guy?"
Lizzie: I'd like to state
for the record that it's slate blue, not purple.
Jhonen: *ponders* d'you
think I'd look good with slate blue hair?
Endril: ….do you really
want us to answer that?
August: because you'd
look good regardless.
Jhonen: I shouldn't have
asked…
"Oh, him. I'd
forgotten." She turned back to the shadows where she'd emerged.
"James! Meowth!" she snapped angrily. "Get out here!"
There was a pause, and then the
two shuffled into the clearing.
Amber: *giggling* they're
her bitches!
If Jessie's appearance had been
surprising, then the sight of James and Meowth were enough to put the three
friends in shock.
August: then why didn't
it?! I wanna see some shock!
Meowth was walking on
all fours, a very uncommon occurrence for him.
All: holy crap!
His eyes were slitted, his
fangs were bared, and his tail lashed furiously. But what seemed the most
foreign was that he seemed almost unbearably tired. His legs trembled, as if he
were on the verge of collapsion,
Lizzie: It's not a word,
I know…
and his eyes were dark with fatigue.
August: it's a good
description, tho.
'And he looks sad,' Misty
realized with surprise.
Amber: (Misty) Poor
widdle kitty! You needs a hug!!
James was almost
unrecognizable. His eyes were almost hidden behind his messy hair. His uniform
was indistinguishable, being shredded and stained. He walked with his head
down, his shoulders sagging, his back hunched over. Pitifulness radiated out
from him. He looked up and caught Ash's eye. The young boy gasped at what he
found. The Rocket's gaze was completely empty, conveying only a sense of utter
loneliness and loss.
August: …….(speechless)
Endril: that was…*starts
sobbing* BEAUTIFUL!!
"Oh,"
Misty breathed.
Amber: Misty likes
James!!
Lizzie: I don't blame
her!
Jhonen: I feel so out of place
now…
Jessie
stepped forward. "Now is where the hell I've lived in for so long
ends." She smiled cruelly, her eyes glittering with triumph.
August: (Jessie)
BWAhahahahahahahahaha!!!!
All: um….
August: Well, someone had
to say it!
"I'll
never let you take Pikachu," Ash muttered through clenched teeth.
Endril: In the name of
all that is holy, Why doesn't he ever say anything else? WHY?!
He was faintly aware of
a blue aura beginning to surround him,
The girls: Shishi
Hokodan!!
but he focused on the
girl in front of him. "You were never good enough to take Pikachu from me
before, and you aren't now."
All: Ooo….
Endril: (Ash) you Trash!
Amber: that
rhymed..heehee.
The blue light flared to an incredible
brightness. "I'm prepared to fight you, Jessie. And I'm prepared to
win."
All: OOoooOOOooo…..*begin
typical playground pre-fight behavior*
Lizzie: Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry!
The girl begin to glow herself,
a creamy-white light that almost blinded the three friends. "That's where
you're wrong, Ash Ketchum. But just for insurance's sake..." She whirled
to her partner, who stood silently and motionlessly next to her. "James,
quick, grab Pikachu!"
August: Aw, I wanted to
see some magical Kung Fu!
The young man lunged forward
obligingly, grasping for the creature. Pikachu darted away, but not before
James could catch a hold of the dull amulet around its neck.
Endril: *monotone* hmm. I
wonder what will happen next.
"PIIII!" Pikachu
cried, and strained against the chain, knowing that it would do no good.
The chain popped free.
All: Of course.
Pikachu stumbled away from the
Rocket.
Ash's jaw dropped, his aura
vanishing in the blink of an eye. "How'd you do that?" he cried,
surprised.
Endril: But this
shouldn't be strange, since the boy was surprised when he managed to tie his
shoes.
James
didn't answer. Eyes wide, he raised the suddenly glowing amulet up to his face.
The soft, purple light bathed his face, creating an almost supernatural look.
All: Oooooh! Ahh! Other
awed exclamations!
His eyes unfocused, as if he
was staring into the amulet.
August: Magic Eye!
James stood like that for a long time,
searching the depths of the glowing stone silently. Tension was thick in the
air. All five sets of eyes were on the boy, watching him, waiting, awed.
Amber: Aren't we all.
Finally, after what seemed like
an eternity, he blinked, and when his eyes reopened, they were focused.
He murmured something. The word
was almost inaudible, but Ash could hear. The young boy gasped.
"Mew."
Lizzie: okay, who saw that
coming? *everyone raises their hands* It was really that obvious?
Jhonen: Oh, yeah.
"James...
James, snap out of it!" Jessie growled, though she stood a good distance
away, as if she was almost frightened of her partner. Her aura had faded away
as well, and without the power of the amulet to back her up, she looked like
kind of like a lost little girl.
All: Aww..
She tightened her hand
around the ivory amulet she wore, and suddenly felt braver. "James, snap
out of it," she repeated louder, and stepped towards her friend.
August: About to lay the
smackdown on his punk ass.
He looked up. "Let's go,
Jessie," he said softly, holding the amulet protectively in both hands.
She nodded silently.
Endril: Aww, now she's
his bitch!
They both bounded into
the darkness, Meowth at their heels, vanishing swiftly, leaving only a fading
threat behind.
"We'll be back..."
Amber: Why do I feel like
watching Terminator now?
Endril: Cause Doggit is
cool, that's why!
On to chapter six!</< F
All: The madness ends!
*****************************
Everyone
ran out of the theater like a crowd of happy
people in a drug-induced musical. Before they broke into sone, however,
Gary came up with an announcement.
"Okay,
everyone! I'm gay now!"
"Uh, why?"
Amber asked, after a moment of shocked silence from everyone.
"Well,
women are just too manipulative and backstabbing. And evil. So, instead of
accepting the fact that I was dumped, I now have rejected women altogether. But
you can still be my friends. Except for August."
"What? Why
me? That's not right!" She wailed, upset at the prospect of losing a gay best
friend to Lizzie and Endril.
"Hey, I'm
still mad at you, okay? You broke my fucking heart!"
"Let's just
think of it this way." August replied calmly. "I helped you discover your true self!
We could be friends, like Will and Grace!"
Everyone looked at August like she was crazy. (well, crazier
than she normally was, anyway.) "I mean, like Jack and Karen."
"Oh…" came
the understanding response from all. Except for Tengu, who seemed to be
missing.
"Uh, Lizzie?"
Endril asked. "Where's Tengu, anyway?"
"Oh, after
he beat me at Stadium, I threw him back in the portable closet with Bun-bun."
"But how
come there aren't any horrible screams?"
"Well,
Bun-bun does have a bunch of Baywatch tapes with him, so I think they'll get
along fine."
"Wait! I
wanna go live in a closet and watch skanky women!" Jhonen piped up.
"Men." Gary
sighed bitterly. Endril hugged him.
"Too bad,
J-man! You're our love slave now!" Lizzie cackled in mad glee." After pondering
this for a moment, he replied,
"I can live
with that."
"Okay then!"
August screeched. "We'll make you an honorary Evil Girl Scout! You can rule
Mexico."
"Uh…thanks?"
"And maybe
like, France and Spain or something. I dunno. You can claim a planet, too! I
own Arrakis, planet of Spice."
"And I own
Corellia!" Endril piped up."
"Hey, do I
get a planet?" Lizzie asked. "I want Conventia!"
"Ha, no
way, pale girl!" Jhonen yelled. "I call dibs on it!"
"Hey, wait…Lizzie
said suspiciously, about to point out a flaw in his logic. She decided against
it."
"Well, you can
have the slaughtering rat-people planet, then."
"Hehe…cool."
"Ooh! I
call one of the exploding head planets!" Amber cried.
And thus ended yet another tale of madness from the crazy
freak jobs stuck on a satellite controlled by the twerps.
**********************************
Wahoo! That took me this side of
forever to write! I'm never doing that again!
On a more serious note, I meant no offense to the lawyers working for the Disney Corporation. You are the best and coolest of all the legal industry. Please don't hunt me down1 I have no money! Apologies to Jhonen for making Him(note the capital H) extremely crazy and out o character. But, I've never met the man, so that could account for it. Thanks to everyone who reads these stories and likes them, but are too afraid to admit it. It's okay. I understand. It's wacky shit. Flame me if ya want, I don't care. Oh, and for information on how to become an honorary Evil Girl Scout, email me at NeoGrrl_August@hotmail.com